"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other."

- Audrey Hepburn

“What did I do recently that made you feel loved?”

That question caught him off guard but it’s one of the many I have up my sleeve in our slow dance to finding us again.

I remember the roommate phase clearly and I don’t think we are fully out of it. We were just zombies walking through the days, tagging each other with a little baby, taking turns with chores, mustering some energy to make sure we were fed and bathed, getting just enough sleep (separately) to function and repeating that so many times that we started to forget that WE came first, our relationship was there before the baby.

People said it gets better but I’ve known for a long time that it doesn’t fix itself - roommates don’t turn into lovers just because kids get older. The chores and conflicts don’t stop, needs don’t magically meet themselves. So, as we are slowly but surely finding our way out of survival mode, we are also lighting the way back to each other, intentionally.  

Let’s be real – I’m not talking dates to the theatre and late night swims (although I don’t see why those can’t be arranged). Intimacy at it’s core is feeling connected and supported. Just like how relationships evolve over time, the way intimacy looks and works also evolve. At the heart of it, it really comes back down to your love language and needs. What makes the both of you feel seen, heard and loved?

My love languages are acts of service and words of affirmation, and the way they look now is vastly different from pre-children days. To help me meet my needs so that I feel loved and believe I am in an intimate relationship, I need to know that I’m being supported in my mountain pile of mental load. I need open, honest, vulnerable communication. After all, we had stopped talking about how much we love each other to make way for discussing everything about our child – what she did, what she ate, how she pooped, what she needed next, who needed to take care of her.

My partner’s love language is physical touch. Here’s the popular dilemma a lot of parents face – when the primary carer (in this case, me) is constantly touched out, who is left to pour into their partner’s cup, who might need the physical closeness just as the child does? To be completely honest, I can’t tell you when I stopped hugging him or holding his hand. In the early newborn weeks, we leaned on each other, but as the sleepless nights blended together and the baby’s needs became more prevalent, so much physical intimacy stopped. It’s not just the sex (which we all know becomes non-existent post baby), but the simple everyday gestures stopped too.

Part of growth in a relationship is recognising the season you are in and what that season will bring. There’s so much talk about how mothers or primary carers don’t have the capacity for sex during this season. That is true. But let’s not forget the other truth – whilst we are expecting our needs to be supported from a caregiving and mental load perspective, our partners are also expecting their needs to be met. Two truths can exist even if they do not coincide.

So, what do we do?

I feel this is where true intimacy lies. I’ve discussed both parts of this in some of our free guides. How do we lean into vulnerability and have compassion for each other and ourselves? Here are 2 steps to meet each other, intimately:

1.       Communicating our needs, with vulnerability and compassion

This applies to all needs, our basic needs and what we actually need to be romancing each other again. For example, I’m touched out and my partner has just come home after a tough day at work. In the past, I used to ask him to take over, so I can have some time to regulate myself. I communicated my needs, but it was one sided because I honestly believed my situation being stuck at home with a baby was worse and that really was unresolved resentment on my end. (if this is something you need to work through too, check out our Resentment to Reconnection cheatsheet)

Now we share a kiss and a hug, check-in with each other, discuss what needs to be done together and once I have some space to regulate, I then go and support him with a cuddle on the couch. So instead of “Hey, you need to take over now because I’m so done”, it has become “You’ve had a hard day. I’m really tired too. How can we tackle the next hour together so we can be there for each other?”

The compassion for each other and ourselves changes the tone to how we communicate and that adds intimacy which wasn’t there before.

2.       Making space for other forms of intimacy

If what I need is psychological intimacy from feeling supported and having honest, vulnerable conversations and what my partner needs is physical intimacy, how can we support each other to make space for them?

I’m taking the lead with my own needs, per my example in the beginning. Instead of focussing our conversations on tasks, baby and mundane nothings, I’ve started to pivot into the topics that feed my soul – discussions about our dreams and goals, making travel plans, intimate questions about our relationship.

Surprisingly, as I do this, I’ve created more space within myself to help him meet his needs too. I’m remembering to give him a quick shoulder massage (even though he’s stopped asking for them), I jump into the front seat during short rides so we can hold hands and I lean a little bit more into the kisses instead of wanting to turn away.

On the same note, he’s finding more ways to communicate his needs too. He finds opportunities to ask for a cuddle or bring us all onto his lap and yes, cheeky ideas for a dance in bed (with a couple of foiled attempts, because, baby, but we’re taking steps forward!)

15 questions to ask each other for psychological intimacy

And because I'm all for being open and honest, here is also my list of questions for psychological intimacy:

1.     What dreams/goals have you had lately that you haven't shared with me?

2.     Can you recall a specific moment when you felt closest to me, and what made it special?

3.     Is there a fear or insecurity you've been carrying that you haven't shared?

4.     Can you share a personal achievement you're proud of that I might not be aware of?

5.     In what ways can we better support each other's personal growth?

6.     What do you need more of from me emotionally that you haven't expressed before?

7.     What rituals or routines can we create to strengthen our connection on a daily basis?

8.     What are your unspoken expectations in our relationship that I may not be aware of?

9.     How do you envision our future together?

10.   Is there a desire or fantasy you have that you haven't shared with me?

11.   What is something I did this week that made you feel seen/heard?

12.   What strengths do I bring to the relationship?

13.   What can I do more of to help you feel loved?

14.   What are 3 things I do regularly that you really appreciate?

15.   What do you love most about me?

Our love has changed and I won’t say it’s for the better – that would be downplaying how beautiful it once was. It is beautiful now too, with a deeper and richer tone. We went from chasing sunsets to enjoying dimmed lights at home and they are both wonderful, if we choose for them to be. It is our responsibility to pour into our romance and I’m finding this phase with my roommate quite exciting.

How will you lean into vulnerabilities and have compassion for each other today?

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Here are the links to our free guides that will further complement the topics discussed in this post:

Resentment to Reconnection Cheatsheet

Self-care Secrets for Parents